


Til death do us part

by dantetrieswriting



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Depends on your definition of happy, Drinking Problem, Heavy Themes, Isak is dead, M/M, POV Isak Valtersen, a lot of sad, and has to deal with some unfinished business, letting go, somewhat happy ending ig ?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-13 17:34:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14753288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dantetrieswriting/pseuds/dantetrieswriting
Summary: It took me six hours to realize i was dead. I didn't know a heart that's not beating could break.When Isak dies, it's his last mission on earth to help Even move on. This story will twist everything you know about these boys and it is to be read by angst lovers. It includes heavy themes and a lot of sadness. I'm sorry in advance.





	1. Dear Isak, from the day we met, I knew I loved you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is an introduction chapter to guide in the rest of the story. Starting from chapter two, I will make them at least 5k words each, but more if possible. This story will include some heavy themes so read at your own risk.

It took me six hours to realize I was dead. I didn't know a heart that's not beating could break. Yet when everything finally hit me, I wished that the Devil would come up and personally drag me to hell because the pain I felt was beyond anything.

_Six hours earlier._

I woke up in my bed, tangled up in messy sheets without any recollection of how i'd gotten there. The night before was a complete blur. There were shots taken. A lot of them. Then a few more. I could still feel the burn of tequila in my throat, flowing through my veins, making every single hair on my body stand up. The more I woke up, the more I became aware of every feeling in my whole being. My head was throbbing, but it wasn't the hangover kind. It was more like the I got hit by a car or fell off a roof kind of headache. The one that distorts your vision and makes everything blurry and hard to read. Like you're looking at the world through a shot glass.  _How ironic._

I didn't feel like standing up at all, but my clock was rudely reminding me of my impending classes. _What a dick._ I got up, ignoring my body's protests and the way it felt like I was filled with bricks, slowly getting to my feet. The cold floor felt different beneath my feet. I almost felt as if I was floating, like I was weightless. I stretched my arms as high as they could go above my head, groaning loud at every single sore muscle that action was pulling back to life. I looked over at the empty bed, now messy and cold, missing it's usual heat.  _Three more days._ It was three days before Even was supposed to return. He'd been gone for way too long for my liking. It may have been only five days, but I missed the warmth of his chest pressed all the way against my back. Missed how his arms wrapped around my waist so tight as if he was afraid i'd float off. It gave me comfort. Safety. Only after he left, I realized I could barely sleep without his touch anymore. My heart missed his own, yet I always felt as if they were beating in sync, even hundreds of miles apart. Just three more days and he'd be back to save me from the coldness of being alone. Three more days to feel his heartbeats beneath my fingertips. Feel his skin against my own.

I didn't have time for a shower or breakfast, given that my concrete physique had wasted more than enough time glued into my sheets. I ran to class as fast as I could, never missing a step or stopping for breath. I made it exactly on time, quickly scurrying through the doors, plopping down in my usual seat. Not one person even looked at me. It wasn't a surprise. Most of them probably didn't even know I existed. But even the ones that did never spared a glance.. I saw Sana, my favourite study partner, but even she didn't look my way. I noticed bags under her eyes. Her eyes that were -  _red_? Red and swollen. Now, looking at her more attentively, I noticed the glossy tears she tried to blink away and the slight shake in her hand when she lifted it to take notes. I wanted to text her, ask if she was okay, but of course that was the moment I realized i'd left my phone at home. In fact, I could pin point it's exact location on my dresser. I cursed inwardly, pulling a pained face.  _Damn it._ Guess I'd have to ask her later. In the middle of the lecture, a boy i'd talked to a few times looked at me. Or, more like through me. It was as if he didn't see me. As if I was invisible. _Great_. Add one more person to that list, then.

Sana ran out after the lecture before I had the chance to talk to her. I couldn't see her once I was in the hallway, so I opted for the library where I could read in silence. I could catch up with her later, she obviously needed her time. I ended up at the table that was furthest from the door, hidden in the corner of the library. I knew that no one ever went there because the seats weren't as comfortable and the table was barely standing up at this point, but I found it good enough. I never did any writing there anyway, so the table may as well have been broken in half. I fit myself into the corner of the tiny couch and opened my book from the page I had last left it. I scanned the pages carefully and made a point to jot down every important event, so I wouldn't miss any noteworthy details later. An hour later, I was completely immersed in the book, not a cell in my brain connected to the outer world. My high school English teacher's voice kept nagging my brain to read between the lines, get in the characters' mindsets.  _'I'm too scared to lose you.'._ You already lost her.  _'What if I fall out of love?'._ Seems like you never fell in.  _How's that for reading between the lines?_  I closed the book with a sigh, melting deeper into the moss green velvet that erupted a cloud of dust every time you moved too suddenly. I remembered all the times me and Even had had those kinds of conversations. Remembered every doubt in Even's - and my own - head, that we had sometimes spent weeks clearing out.

_I grabbed Even's wrists, curling my fingers around them with enough pressure to keep Even grounded, but not enough to hurt him. Even was avoiding my gaze, eyes shooting down along with his chin._

_"Even. Talk to me. I'm not letting you leave. Especially not before you explain why you have a haphazardly packed suitcase and a goodbye note."_

_"What do you want me to say, Isak? It's obvious, isn't it? Just please, let me go this time."_

_I was holding back tears, biting my lip hard enough that I could feel the skin tear, let the metallic taste spread on my tongue._

_"No. I can't. Not before you tell me why."_

_Even finally looked up and I was met with a pair of glossy blue eyes, pleading for something, anything._

_"Because you don't need my pain."_

_That was what did it for me. I felt the salty tears running down my cheeks and I could see Even's face mirroring my own. I let go of his wrists and instead wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him as close to me as I possibly could. This was not going to be it._

_"We've been over this, Even. Your pain is mine, too. And I don't just deal with your pain. You deal with mine exactly the same. We balance each other. Sometimes I need your pain just to forget about my own. I need you, Even. I always have and I always will. I love you so much and i'm sure as fuck not going to let you leave me like this."_

_At that point, I felt Even's grip around my body, his arms tight around my torso, so I let my head fall to the crook of his neck, soaking his t-shirt with my tears. I heard him cry that night. I cried too._

I felt a tear form in the corner of my eye at that thought so I wiped it away as quick as I could. I wished I had my phone with me so I could text Even, make sure he's okay. Without noticing at first, I ran my thumb over the gold ring on my finger, spinning it around for a few moments before pushing it off and into my palm. I lifted it just to read the small engraving on the inside of the band. _21:21._ Even had insisted on it and who was I to deny? If he wanted our wedding rings to be cheesy, then be it. It was a reminder of our love. Of our bond. I slipped the ring back onto my finger, checking the clock on the wall. I realized I was nearly late for my next lecture, so I hopped to my feet, ran across the halls and up the stairs until I made it to the door with exactly two minutes to spare.  _Whew._

Before I knew it, I was free for the day and ready to head back home to finally talk to Even again. I missed his voice. At that point, I remembered Sana as well, but I hadn't seen her since that first lecture, so perhaps she'd gone home. Slowly strolling through the building, I noticed a crowd around something that was hidden from my sight. In the crowd, I noticed Sana wiping her tears without shame, letting Eva wrap an arm around her side. I couldn't see Eva's face, but judging by the way her body was rocking, I assumed she was crying as well. Now I really had to know what was going on. I moved closer, and caught a glimpse of my own portrait, all framed and everything.  _What the fuck?_ I pressed closer and it felt as if people were making way for me without even acknowledging my presence. As I finally stood there, in the first row, I faced what seemed to be my own nightmare. There was the picture of me. There were candles, flowers, gifts. But what my eyes were glued to, was a small sign.  _Isak Valtersen, 1999- 2021. You will be missed._ I looked around, and everyone was looking right through me. I pinched myself, hoping to wake up. I felt a sharp pain that travelled through my entire body. That's when I heard Sana's voice behind me and I'd never heard her so broken. 

"I talked to Even this morning. He's coming back today. But, Eva, I don't think he's ever going to get over this."

Even. Even was coming back. For what? For me? Because I was dead? But that couldn't be. I couldn't be dead. It's just not possible. Or, maybe? Eva's broken sobs behind me made it all sink in. I think I fell to my knees but i'm not sure. I tried to yell, but my voice was gone. My touch was fading. I tried to cry but there were no tears. I heard faint voices, saw blurry faces and, ironically, it all felt as if someone was trying to rip me from life. But I was holding on with every remaining piece of me, crying out without being heard, grasping onto thin air that was slipping through my fingers, and I could see it floating off just like my heaving breaths. It took me six hours to realize I was dead. I didn't know a heart that's not beating could break. Yet when everything finally hit me, I wished that the Devil would come up and personally drag me to hell because the pain I felt was beyond anything.

 


	2. On that day, I fell in love with you in every universe.

_"Do you think there's a parallel universe where we're not together?"_

_I bit my lip, glancing at Even as I shook my head._

_"Nope. I think we were always meant to be. We're constant. In every universe."_

_A smile grew on his face, making his eyes crinkle up and all I could feel in that moment was pure adoration for the boy in front of me._

_"So no matter what, we're always together?"_

_I nodded. Because it was true. We were constant. We were inseparable. We were madly, deeply in love. I could see it in his face as he leaned forward. And then he kissed me and I let myself be kissed. I still wasn't quite used to the butterflies in my stomach or the brightness of his smile. The fact that he chose me out of everyone still made my heart skip beats. The way he helped me come to terms with myself, how he opened the door for me to live my life by my own rules. I knew that I would always owe him for that. In every universe._

I glanced over at Even sleeping next to me. The room was eerily dark and quiet, the only sound breaking through the picturesque haze being his shaky breaths. Laying there right beside him, yet worlds apart, I could feel his tears even without seeing them. I wrapped myself around his body, pressing my chest to his back, and I could almost feel him. I think I felt his heartbeat somewhere in my veins. When I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead to his neck, I felt his tears stop. His body deflated. The smell of his shampoo and aftershave were registered somewhere in my senses. I could still smell that something that was so distinctly him. When I held onto him tighter, I almost felt him press back against me. Almost.

Maybe in another universe I could still feel his skin beneath my palms. Could feel his heart beat in sync to mine. Could feel his warmth radiating from his body and his scent flow through my veins. Maybe in another universe he could still feel me. Maybe in another universe we could be together. We could be constant. But not this one. Not anymore. The though made a wave of indescribable pain shoot through me and I latched on as tight as I could, hoping that maybe this was all a dream. That I would wake up and it would all be over. And I would kiss him and he would kiss me back. And he would see me, touch me, have me. I had given him all of myself and I would've done it a thousand times more. I'd promised to hold him until death. I never knew how painful breaking a promise could be.

That morning, I watched Even get up. He turned to face me sometime in the night, so when he woke up, he looked right into my eyes. I saw a tear roll down his face and I wanted to reach out and brush it off. But he was so far. Too far. Even right next to me, I couldn't reach him. And I never would again. As if knowing, he wiped the tear and rolled onto his back, closing his eyes to take a deep breath. When he opened them, they glistened again. I watched him stand up slowly, taking his time every step of the way. When he was up, I whispered  _"God morgen."_ and saw him freeze and sit back down, bury his face in his hands. I heard his broken sobs and saw his body shake with each one. I reached out to touch him and he stilled. His heartbeat was pumping in my veins, sending shivers down my spine. It felt as if we were connected once again in that moment. No longer apart. Like was almost there, in our bedroom, holding him. He shuffled, lifting his head. I saw him open his mouth to speak, then shake his head and chuckle bitterly. He took a deep breath before lifting his eyes again.

"God morgen Isak, I guess,"

I froze, feeling a thump in my chest.

"That is, if you're listening somewhere,"

_"I am."_

"It's kind of stupid to even try to talk to you,"

_"It's not."_

"I mean, you're not even here,"

_"I'm here, baby. I'm right here. You just can't see me anymore."_

"You're not even fucking alive anymore. But I miss you. I miss you so much."

At that, he started crying again and I felt tears slipping from my own eyes. I wanted to hold him. Tell him it would be okay. I wanted it to be okay. For him, at least. In that moment, I knew I would carry all of his pain on my shoulders if that's what it would take. I knew he couldn't hear me, but a part of me hoped that if I kept saying the right things, I could help him. If I whispered my unspoken thoughts into the wind, it would carry them to him. Help him carry his burden. So I whispered into the slipping breeze,

_"I miss you too."_

When Even finally got up, I followed him. I still didn't know why I was stuck on earth, but I knew it had something to do with Even. Because I could feel his pain. Could feel his tears and his grief. I guessed I was the one who was supposed to make him move on. But how could I do it when even in another world I couldn't let him go?

I stood behind him as he brushed his teeth and washed his face. I could see my own faint reflection in the mirror and when Even looked up, he looked right through me. I wondered if he could feel my presence. Still hear my breaths and my voice. Feel my touch or see me standing in the middle of the bathroom, looking right into his eyes. I wondered if he still felt me in his heart. Felt the way I could hear every beat. Thudding loud in my ears like waves crashing into a cliff. I wondered if he could still hear mine. Even though it had stopped beating. I wondered if the reason I was still here was because I was stuck in his heart. And if the way for me to let go was to get him to move forward. Maybe it was selfish, but I kind of didn't want him to move on. Couldn't stand the idea of him loving someone else the way he loved me. Because I knew I'd have to stick around long enough to see him fall again. And I couldn't do that. I wasn't strong enough.

When he went to the kitchen, I watched him turn on the radio before starting to make breakfast. It was a habit i'd grown used to over the years. His need for just a little spark in every morning to get him going. I watched him bring out two plates and make two cups of coffee. As soon as he'd set both mugs with the steaming drinks on the table next to two filled breakfast plates, he seemed to realize what he'd just done. I felt myself go weak when I saw him curse with tears in his eyes and bang his fist against the table. He didn't move for a while after that, just letting his tears drop on the tablecloth, legs shaking and fingers curling against the wooden edge. He moved again when the doorbell rang. I stayed in the kitchen, as if stuck to the floor. He'd made me breakfast without realizing. It was his routine. _I_ was his routine. Something that once held his mornings in one piece now caused him so much pain. Seeing that hurt me more than I could've ever imagined.

I startled when I heard Sana's voice behind me.

"I hope it's not too much trouble. You can have your breakfast and then we can talk."

"It's alright. I made two plates anyway."

From the corner of my eye, I saw Sana nod her head in understanding and put her hand on Even's shoulder before sitting down. I moved to the counter beside the dining table, hopping up on it. Even took out a carton of milk and a small cup of sugar. I watched Sana add a spoonful of sugar into her cup, along with a dash of milk, before mixing it all together. I saw Even reach for the sugar, but I already knew what was coming. Two spoonfuls of sugar and 1/4 milk to coffee ratio. I was right. Of course I was. We'd been together for over four years. Married for two of those. The least I could know was how he took his coffee.

"So, how have you been?"

Even snorted and it was seeped in sarcasm and bitterness.

"Pretty damn shitty, to be honest. I just can't believe he's gone, I guess. I mean I made him breakfast, for god's sake. It's like I can still feel his presence. Like he's here with me, you know?"

Sana nodded and gave Even an apologetic smile. I think it came out sadder than she wanted it to.

"I get that. When I first got the news, I was convinced that it was a prank. And even when I knew it was true, I still couldn't accept it. And I understand what you mean about feeling as if he was here. I sense him, too. And it may be like this for a while, Even. You have to get used to this feeling, because it will take a while for things to feel even borderline normal again. But they will. I promise."

Even had tears in his eyes again. I couldn't stand him crying so much. He didn't deserve that.

"But I don't want things to feel normal again. And I know that this is stupid and unrealistic, but I want him here with me. Laughing, smiling, holding me. I don't know how to live without him anymore. I don't think i'll ever know how to love again. And I don't know if I even want to."

So. There it was. The reason I was still there. I had to make him love again. Make him love someone else.  _Fuck._ But how? How do you make someone do that if you can't even talk to them? How do you detach from someone you can't fall out of love with? How do you unlove the love of your life?

_He looked at me as if I was the only person in the room. It made my head spin to think that maybe for him, I was. I felt like I could see everything in those blue eyes. Read his life like a book, his thoughts wrapped up in verses, lyrical emotions playing in my head. His arms were holding onto my waist with a strong grip, making me feel dizzy with love and lust and everything in between. I ran my fingers through his hair and he smiled with all his teeth showing, and if it was possible, I fell even deeper in love._

_"Hey, Even."_

_I bit my lip on a smile and looked up at him._

_"Yeah?"_

_"You're the love of my life."_

_I saw his smile grow even wider, eyes crinkling up at the corners, before he leaned down and kissed me hard. He pulled me closer with the grip on my waist and I buried my fingers in his strands of caramel blonde in response. Our bodies clicked together like two pieces of a puzzle. I felt his tongue against mine and it made me groan. Everything about him made my insides light up. We kept pressing our bodies closer and closer, lips molding each other, hands grasping onto every possible hope. When he pulled away, our foreheads stayed pressed together and Even was still smiling._

_"You're mine, too."_

_I closed the gap between us again, smiling wide between our lips. People were watching but I didn't care. I was holding the love of my life. What else do you need?_

"That's alright. Maybe you'll get there one day, maybe you won't. That's up to you. Just know that me and everyone else are here for you. Any time of the day, just say the word and we'll be there. I think we could all benefit from some mutual support these days. Which brings me to my point. I knew that this must be devastating for you, so I came to say that I took care of arranging the funeral,"

Even gulped and nodded, his breathing shallow and shaky.

"It's on Wednesday at 3 PM, i'll text you the address. I was thinking that the people closest to him could all go out for dinner after that. To remember him and lean on each other. You in?"

Even nodded. I didn't even realize I was crying before I felt a damp spot on my thigh. So. My own funeral. _That must be something out of a movie._ I'd heard people say how they'd want to attend their own funerals. I wondered how many were actually given the chance. Or how many would actually be excited once the moment came. I mean, who would really want to watch all that? It just didn't make sense. I kind of didn't want to go, but for some reason, I knew I had to. But oh, how I dreaded it.

That day, I followed Even to our favourite coffee shop and watched him order his usual. He sat down at our table, sipping his drink and looking out of the window. It was raining outside. How appropriate. People were rushing by with their umbrellas and raincoats, not stopping even for a second to look ahead. The raindrops were thudding on the street, onto the window, the sound crashing in my head like waves. I looked away from the window, slipping into the chair across from Even. I moved the chair, but he couldn't see. It was as if my world and the real world had overlapped and I just lived in a blueprint of reality now. It was as if a few strings of these two worlds were connected, and that's how I could still touch Even, feel his heart and his breaths. And I could almost feel his skin. His warmth. Almost. Maybe i had yet to find the right loopholes. Or maybe those things were just too far out of reach.

I have to say, sitting at your own funeral is incredibly depressing. I was sat in a room full of people, all dressed in black, watching my own dead body in the casket just a mere few feet in front of me. I looked so pale and dull, my eyes closed and hands crossed on my chest. People kept adding more and more flowers around my body and I felt just a little bit sick watching that. I couldn't help but wonder, if in another universe, it would be Even lying there and me carrying the sorrow. I wished that I could carry his pain as I watched everyone move to their seats, Even sitting right at the front with Jonas and my parents. When everyone was seated, a man stood in front of the room, clearing his throat, demanding attention.

_Dearly beloved,_

_today we are here to remember the short but memorable life of Isak Valtersen._

_He was a son, a husband, and a friend to everyone. He was the sun in every day_

_and the moon in every night. Some may call this day a sad one, but let us, instead_

_of crying, celebrate his life. Celebrate the moments that left Isak in all of our hearts._

I toned out some time after that, using this moment to really grasp the situation. That was my lifeless body lying there. Those were my friends, my family, leaving my life behind. Storing me away in the backs of their minds, locked up in illusions and shared secrets. That's what I was now. An illusion. An illusion trying to break through the blueprint of my own afterlife, begging to be seen, begging to be heard.

_Let us join together on this day to set Isak to rest once and for all. We will remember_

_him today and for the rest of our lives. Now, let's have a final moment of silence._

_For Isak._

I watched as everyone lowered their heads and I felt my own spin out of control. This was the moment of silence for me. To send me away once and for all. I was gone. Lost in time. I had become something only left existing in pictures and memories. Only to be seen in dreams and heard in stories. I had become the past.

Sitting down with all my friends to remember my own life felt surreal, to say the least. I had stopped existing yet these people were here, sitting together in my honour for one last time. After this, they wouldn't speak of me for a while. To make it easier. Then, maybe a few years would pass and they would see a new pretentious movie come out and say, 'Isak would have loved that,' and then they'd smile and nod and move on with their lives. Maybe they'd go to see the movie just as a tribute to me. Maybe it would still be too much. Maybe they'd only need a few weeks to get everything back to normal. Maybe it would never happen. These maybes were floating around the room, making the air thick through both dimensions. I could read it in their eyes, on their faces, how they didn't know. How they couldn't look at each other before they did. How this big question mark and uncertainty were served on a silver platter, a big portion of doubt and shame on everyone's plates. And they all chewed on the guilt with pained faces, none of them daring to speak for a while.

"There's one thing that needs to be addressed right here, right now," Eva spoke, and everyone turned their heads towards her. I watched Jonas give her a pleading look, but she shook her head.

"Isak's death was no one's fault. I'm saying this because ever since that night, Jonas has been blaming himself," she said, turning to him, "I can't keep watching you wreck yourself over this, babe. I really can't."

Everyone was breathing heavy, staring at their plates as if they were going to erase the thick cloud of venomous grief looming over all of them.

"But I was there. I let him get wasted off his ass. I even encouraged it. I let him slip out of the bar without even noticing. Maybe if I would have stopped him sooner. Kept an eye on him. Then he would still be here with us. But I let him go. I let him down. I let you all down," Jonas spoke, his voice gradually slipping and blending with his tears that he was now attempting to wipe off with his sleeve. I was waiting for someone, anyone, to speak up. This was my best friend, blaming himself for my stupidity. I put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed. He broke down just a little bit more. 

 _"Why is no one speaking? Fucking say something!_ "

It was as if he heard me, still. As if our minds were still connected and twisted like the chords in the corner of your room. Because he reached out. Even reached out. Grabbed Jonas' wrist and shook him.

"Jonas, Isak's death was Not. Your. Fault. Every single one of us has watched him get shitfaced without anything happening. There's no way you could have known. It's just all a big, stupid thing that we should start accepting and putting behind us. No one was at fault. Not me, not you, not anyone."

When they left, Jonas still had some of the guilt of that night lingering beside him. Except now, everyone else carried a piece of it too. When I tucked myself in beside Even that night and laid my head on his chest, his heartbeats sparked back painful memories. 

_"Okay, now stand right there,"_

_I stilled, not daring to move another inch._

_"Here?"_

_Even scrunched up his nose and made a dissatisfied 'mmmpf' sound._

_"Just a little bit to the left. Okay, yes, that's good. Now don't move. Oh, and raise your hand. Show off the ring, baby."_

_I snorted and rolled my eyes, but obliged, showing off the sparkly band just a little bit. He pressed a button on the camera and then bolted towards me, wrapping his arms around my waist and placing a soft kiss on my cheek just as the flash went off. My cheeks were tinted pink, spreading down my neck and disappearing into the collar of my white button-up. When Even saw the picture on the small screen of his camera, his smile was the brightest i'd ever seen it._

_"We're framing this once we get home."_

 There the portrait was now, on the dresser, framed as promised. It was hard to see in the dark, but I could still make out our outlines in front of the New York city skyline. That was the night I'd given all of me to him. Taken my being and hidden it in his palms. I'd given him my entire heart and he'd given me his.

_"I swear, this is the best engagement picture in all universes. No other Isak and Even could do it better."_

_I laughed a little, running my fingers over his stomach and chest where my head was resting now._

_"It's been three hours, Even. I think it's okay if you stop raving about the picture for like five minutes and maybe focus on me instead."_

_Even raised his brows and smirked at me._

_"Focus on you, huh? What exactly did you have in mind?"_

_I smirked now too, dragging my hand down his chest and slipping my fingers only a little bit under the waistband of his pants. Even that little action made him groan._

_"Oh, I don't know. I thought we could just talk tonight. What do you think?" I said, biting my lip, seeing one of his brows raise even higher. That was, of course, before he rudely grabbed my hand and flipped us over, holding my wrists above my head._

_"Hmm, that's an idea," he whispered, before ducking down to place a few wet kisses to my neck, sending shivers down my spine and blood rushing, well, just down. I wanted to tease him some more, I really did, but focusing on anything but Even between my legs was proving to be quite the challenge. So I opted for tilting my chin up, silently pleading for a kiss. I was more than happy when Even pressed our lips together, pushing his tongue into my mouth. I whimpered deep in my throat as I let him take and take and take, and I just kept giving. I wanted him to truly have every part of me. But kissing this urgently, laced with so much lust, was making me grow impatient, so I wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling our hips flush together, making us both groan. I felt his hands roam my body, squeezing and touching and lighting tiny fireworks in their wake. I pulled off his shirt and he pulled off mine, and then our bare chests were touching and nothing could have felt better in that moment. It was something i'd felt many times before, but this time was different. This time it was forever. The slide of his smooth skin against my own was pure bliss, his warmth like a fire you can't put out. I could have sworn that I saw heaven that night._

 I stood next to Even as he opened the door for my father. The surprise on his face mirrored my own.

"Terje, hei. I wasn't expecting you."

"Well, yeah. I didn't have a chance to talk to you yesterday, but it's important."

"Okay, well, come in."

They walked into the living room and I watched Terje sit down in the armchair right under the window, while Even opted for the couch. I leaned on the doorway and I wondered if they could hear it creak.

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

Terje was fidgeting. As if he felt lost, out of place.

"It's Marianne."

My gut dropped exactly as Even's face did.

 "She's in the hospital again. After Isak's funeral yesterday, she broke down completely. The doctor said that this might be it. She might not leave again."

I heard Even's heart pounding from across the room and I was sure that if mine had still been beating, it would have been the same. My mamma. My beautiful, strong mamma who supported my though everything, was locked up in some dull room forever. And it was all my fault. I'd done the final damage. Broken her to the point of no return. I watched as Even buried his face in his hands and cried. He cried too much. I couldn't stand him crying so much. I wanted him to stop crying. To enjoy life again. To smile. To live. To love. I wanted him to love. I wanted to be the one sitting there instead of Terje, rubbing his shoulder and telling him that it would be okay. I wanted to be there for my mamma, telling her that I'd be there when she needed it. I wanted to be there to tell my father that i'd support him no matter what. I wanted to be there. To be alive. But I wasn't. And I never would be again.

I stood in the middle of the cold room, watching her sleep. Her golden curls were splayed out on her pillow, her skin as pale as the room. She looked so peaceful. Her eyes might have been closed, but I knew their exact shade of green. He lips were dry and parted just a little, and I could remember exactly what they looked like when she was smiling. Her skin might have had a purple tint to it, but she was still glowing in my memories. I let my gaze wonder over the room to the tiny window. It let through rays of golden sunlight, making my surroundings glisten. Everything around me was quiet. Mamma was breathing silently, her body limp and tired. I climbed into the bed with her, pressing myself as close to her as I could. She curled up in my arms and sighed. She knew I was there. I knew she did.

Only when the moon was signalling of the eerie hours of the night, I stood again. The darkness made the room even more lifeless. As if mocking me. Mocking her. I hated it. 

_"Issy, darling, come pose for the picture!"_

_I pouted and crossed my arms on my chest, shaking my head._

_"Nuh uh. I don't wanna."_

_Mamma pulled me into her arms, ruffling my hair and pressing a kiss to my forehead. I heard the click of the camera and tried to hide my face in the crook of her neck, but it was too late. I had been rudely captured in a photo next to the Eiffel tower with my mother kissing my forehead. How disrespectful. Perhaps I didn't want a picture with my mum in Paris. Okay, that was a lie. The only reason i'd protested was because I was a petty child. Which is why I still whined when pappa showed me the polaroid, saying that I hated it. I didn't. Mamma looked so pretty with her big curls and dimpled smile. The corners of my mouth twitched up just a little bit when she picked me up again and kissed my cheeks and my nose and my forehead and curls. In the end, I was still giggling. Still shining brighter than the sun. I got that from her._

I kissed her forehead just as she'd done all those years back.

_"In another universe, i'll be there for you forever."_


End file.
